habits, life, observation

A Day to Myself = A Day I Get Nothing Done

On the days when I work, I can accomplish the following:

  • Practice martial arts for at least a half hour
  • Read 50 pages or more in a book
  • Write three pages for a story I’m working on
  • Film a couple videos for my YouTube channel
  • Run errands
  • Post 3 times EACH on Facebook and Twitter
  • Spend time with my girlfriend

And what do I do on a day like today, when I have it off and I could accomplish anything I wanted?

NOTHING!!!

Oh, wait. I texted a contractor about some work he was supposed to do on my house, took down some recycling, and texted hello to my kids. In other words, nothing out of the ordinary.

Why is that? I don’t get it! How can I have more ambition on the days when I have less time?

Can anyone help me solve this mystery? I really need to solve it because there are a lot of holidays that will go to waste if I can’t figure out where my motivation goes. It doesn’t even do me any good to project into the future and imagine the regret I will feel; I just sit there thinking, “Well, I’ll deal with that when the time comes.”

I just need to figure this out!

busy, habits, observation

Being Too Busy or Too NOT Busy Causes Me Anxiety

I’m sitting here in front of my computer, wondering what to write. I have no idea. I’m stumped. This is the only thing I have to do this morning, and yet my blank mind means I can’t get it done. The funny thing is that if I left for work before writing it, then I would have anxiety all day over how I had to finish it when I got home.

That seems to be how my mind works.

One weekend per month, my kids don’t come over. This is that weekend. It also happens to be a holiday weekend. Since neither my girlfriend or I work on Monday, I decided that I was going to kick some major butt when I got home last night, and I would complete all the tasks I planned on doing over the weekend. That way, when I get home from work tonight, she can have me all to herself.

I made this decision around noon yesterday, while I still had four hours to go at work and could therefore get none of it done. What were the tasks at hand?

  • Finish writing a new novella
  • Submit my old novella to a whopping 65 review sites
  • Discuss some money plans with my girlfriend
  • Rearrange some things around the apartment
  • Format a few more pages of my novel for publication on Amazon

For the last four hours of the shift, I was neurotic about getting home to get all this done. When I got home, I was a whirlwind of activity. My girlfriend made dinner while I tore through the apartment. She told me dinner was ready, and I didn’t want to stop long enough to eat, even though my stomach was growling so bad that it hurt. I just wanted to get everything DONE.

And you know what? I did. I completed all those tasks I just listed and then some, making it so the only thing I had to do this morning was write my usual Friday blog post. So how do I feel about that? Do I feel relieved? Accomplished? Proud?

No. I feel bored!

Now is this because I think clearing my schedule so I can go straight to spending time with my girlfriend is boring? No. Not at all. It has nothing to do with her. How do I know that? Because I have been this way for YEARS. If you ask “how many,” then my answer is: “as long as I can remember.” For some reason, I just can’t be without a dozen projects to complete, even if I know that dividing my time means I take that much longer to complete each project.

I can’t explain why. Maybe it has been the fault of my ADHD, but then again I am on medication for that now. With that in mind, I would say that my need to spread myself too thin is a habit. Now it’s my goal to break that addiction!

Do any of you have a similar compulsion: anxious when you have too much to do, bored when you have too little?

I’d love to hear about it. Please comment below!

~~~Steve