I’m sitting here in front of my computer, wondering what to write. I have no idea. I’m stumped. This is the only thing I have to do this morning, and yet my blank mind means I can’t get it done. The funny thing is that if I left for work before writing it, then I would have anxiety all day over how I had to finish it when I got home.
That seems to be how my mind works.
One weekend per month, my kids don’t come over. This is that weekend. It also happens to be a holiday weekend. Since neither my girlfriend or I work on Monday, I decided that I was going to kick some major butt when I got home last night, and I would complete all the tasks I planned on doing over the weekend. That way, when I get home from work tonight, she can have me all to herself.
I made this decision around noon yesterday, while I still had four hours to go at work and could therefore get none of it done. What were the tasks at hand?
- Finish writing a new novella
- Submit my old novella to a whopping 65 review sites
- Discuss some money plans with my girlfriend
- Rearrange some things around the apartment
- Format a few more pages of my novel for publication on Amazon
For the last four hours of the shift, I was neurotic about getting home to get all this done. When I got home, I was a whirlwind of activity. My girlfriend made dinner while I tore through the apartment. She told me dinner was ready, and I didn’t want to stop long enough to eat, even though my stomach was growling so bad that it hurt. I just wanted to get everything DONE.
And you know what? I did. I completed all those tasks I just listed and then some, making it so the only thing I had to do this morning was write my usual Friday blog post. So how do I feel about that? Do I feel relieved? Accomplished? Proud?
No. I feel bored!
Now is this because I think clearing my schedule so I can go straight to spending time with my girlfriend is boring? No. Not at all. It has nothing to do with her. How do I know that? Because I have been this way for YEARS. If you ask “how many,” then my answer is: “as long as I can remember.” For some reason, I just can’t be without a dozen projects to complete, even if I know that dividing my time means I take that much longer to complete each project.
I can’t explain why. Maybe it has been the fault of my ADHD, but then again I am on medication for that now. With that in mind, I would say that my need to spread myself too thin is a habit. Now it’s my goal to break that addiction!
Do any of you have a similar compulsion: anxious when you have too much to do, bored when you have too little?
I’d love to hear about it. Please comment below!